


Fade Away

by LoveIsGone



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Angst, Graphic Depictions of Illness, Heavy Angst, M/M, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-31
Updated: 2016-09-12
Packaged: 2018-07-28 08:58:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 18,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7634014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoveIsGone/pseuds/LoveIsGone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They could see the sickness eating away at him, slowly devouring him. Soon, they fear, there will be nothing left.</p><p>(Cross post at AFF.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_ Present _

"Your roots are growing out."

"Hm?"

"I said your roots are growing out," Jiyong ran a hand through blonde hair, fingertips lingering over the areas where deep black made their presence known against lightened strands.

"Mmm," Seungri answered, his voice a low hum, eyes closed as he leaned into the leader's touch, "The color's hard to maintain."

"I told you it would be. Didn't I?"

"I'm a terrible listener, remember?"

The older man laughed softly, his fingers still threading through soft locks. He paused his ministrations when he was met with a snag. Carefully, he tried to detangle the knot he had encountered, but with just a gentle tug, several strands of hair came loose in his hand. He stared at them, even as they began to slip through the gaps in his fingers -shocked - unable to believe that it had so easily happened.

"Seungri."

"Hm?"

"I think your hair's falling out."

The younger man nodded ever so slightly, as if he were only partially acknowledging what was said, "It's been doing that lately."

"Lately?" Jiyong asked, feeling his heart constricting in his chest as his level of concern grew with those words.

"Just the past few days," Seungri said, voice relaxed and calm, as if this were the most normal conversation in the world.

Silence filled the room. Jiyong wanted to speak, but the words wouldn't come. They kept trying to fight their way out, but only succeeded in creating a lump in his throat that felt too large to swallow.

Finally, the younger man spoke, breaking the stillness that had descended on them, "I'm thinking about getting rid of it all."

The leader wrapped his arms around his maknae's shoulders, letting out a shuddering breath at the thought, "Not yet, okay? Just, not yet."

"Okay."

-

_ 2012 _

"Hyung, stop!" Seungri protested, trying to bat Jiyong's hands away from his hair, "I _just_ fixed it!"

"I can't help it, it's so short and cute," the leader said, tussling what hair he could. The action made the younger man cry out in annoyance, taking several steps back.

The maknae rolled his eyes, hands already trying to fix the damage, "Leave it alone! I want it to look good when we perform."

"Fine," Jiyong gave the younger man a playful shove before sitting down at one end of the sofa in the dressing room.

He watched as Seungri fixed his hair, ever obsessive about the way it laid. The leader almost laughed, placing a hand over his mouth as he focused on the way his teammate fretted, like he always did even though there wasn't much to work with, lithe fingers plucking at individual strands. Even when they were younger, the boy would spend an inordinate amount of time smoothing down his sideburns. He was so proud of his hair when he could get it just right, like it was one of his best assets.

It really was a shame - Jiyong thought- that they had to cut Seungri's hair so short for their new concept. The maknae had pouted so much when he had heard they almost didn't go through with the change. The leader found it harder to contain himself as he remembered the way his teammate had squeezed his eyes shut as his hair was being trimmed, almost as if he were a child going to the barber for the first time. Just the memory alone made him grin like an idiot.

"What's so funny?" the younger man asked, eyeing the leader through the mirror.

"Nothing," Jiyong answered with a wave of his hand, still grinning from ear to ear, "Nothing at all."

Seungri sighed, a defeated sound, "What ever you say."

-

_ Present _

Jiyong laid in bed, unable to sleep.

He kept closing his eyes, willing his body to allow him to drift off, but his mind would not stop racing. Frustrated, he kicked off the covers with a grunt and sat up, running a hand through his hair. He froze when he felt his own health locks between his fingers, realizing how strong those strands were despite him constantly frying it with his treatments.

He thought back to Seungri and how easily the younger man's hair just came loose in his grasp. It was as if his body were slowly letting go of pieces of him. The thought absolutely terrified the leader.

_No._ Jiyong scolded himself. _You can't think like that. You can't think of that._

Hurriedly, he picked up his phone, unable to stand the silence of his home any longer. He looked through his contacts for a moment before allowing it to dial. Placing the phone to his ear, he listened and waited.

"Hello?" a groggy voice greeted from the other end.

"Bae?"

"Ji?"

"Did I wake you?"

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry."

A clearing of the throat was heard, then Youngbae's voice was coming in clearer, "It's okay. What's up?"

"I don't know. I just - I just needed to talk to someone. Hear someone's voice so my own thoughts don't drive me insane."

"You mean you're thinking about Seungri and don't know what else to do. Am I right?"

The leader breathed, discomfort welling up in his chest. He hated that his best friend knew him so well, "His hair's falling out."

"What?"

"I barely touched him, Bae," the tears started to well up in his eyes and he couldn't stop them from falling as he continued to speak. His voice wavered, shaking. He hated how weak he sounded, "It was just coming out. Like it was dissolving in my hands."

"It's just the treatment taking affect," Youngbae said, but there was no conviction in his voice, "We have to wait and see what happens. We can't assume the worst."

The line stayed silent for a long time as Jiyong tried to contain himself, catching his breath and sniffling. At the beginning, he had told himself he would try to not cry. He had to stay strong as their leader, but with every passing week, each passing day, every single hour that was full of distress and anxiety, the protective wall he tried ti build up started to crack. Everything started to weigh heavy on his heart and he couldn't keep it pent up inside as he had resolved to. Before he even realized it, before he could even stop it, the dam broke and all his tears flooded out.

"Jiyong, do you want company?"

"Yes. Please."

-

_ 2013 _

"Seungri, you're looking more handsome these days," Jiyong exclaimed over the phone. He had been watching a broadcast of the maknae's solo performance and couldn't help but notice that their youngest was becoming more developed, boyish features melting away to reveal a handsome grown up face. Familiar laughter on the other line greeted him. The leader couldn't help but to laugh as well. Seungri's laughter had always been contagious, even when he wasn't there in person. "When did you get so good looking, maknae?"

"I don't know. Your looks must have rubbed off on me over all these years!"

"And your hair! It's grown out so much!"

"Do you like it, hyung?"

"It makes you look very cute."

"I worked very hard to make it look this way."

"There's always room for improvement though."

Seungri groaned. His voice went up in pitch as he whined, "Oppa! Why couldn't you let me have this one moment?"

Jiyong could only laugh.

-

_ Present _

He threw his pillow across the room, a hot ball of anger was building in his stomach. _It's not fair!_ He wanted to kick and scream, smash the things all around him, but he couldn't bring himself to, even as those feelings of rage kept growing. He knew eventually it would boil over, but he had to keep composed. He had to be the leader.

He had to be the leader.

He had to stay strong.

He buried his face in his hands, squeezing his eyes shut tight as he tried to control his breathing.

He was the leader.

He was supposed to be strong.

Jiyong inhaled deeply before opening his eyes. He took stock of his room before getting up, mind set on doing something, anything. Youngbae would be by soon and tidying up would keep his mind occupied for the time being. He knew it was what he had to do, keep himself occupied so that the emotions didn't take him over.

_How long can I stay strong?_ He wondered as he wandered from room to room.


	2. Chapter 2

_Present_

Seunghyun was hesitant to enter the treatment room. It was his first time visiting and the environment around him made him feel uneasy, nervous beyond anything he had felt before. The bright lit halls and sterile rooms were a lot to take in. Even the smell of the place, a sharp, bitter bite of disinfectant, set him on edge. But it was the low sounds and hushed voices that struck something in him. The combination caused an unwavering feeling of dread to wash over him.

He leaned his head closer to the small window on the door, peering in. A lone blonde figure was sitting in a big, cushioned, reclining chair, looking out the windows on the other side of the room. They were hooked to an IV, steadily dripping.

Seunghyun took a deep breath, his heart pounding in his chest. _Why do I feel so nervous?_

He entered the room, trying to sound normal, casual, “Seungri?”

The young man turned. A smile formed on his lips as he recognized his visitor, “Hyung! What’re you doing here?”

“That’s a stupid question,” the older man teased as he pulled up a chair next to Seungri. He noticed how strained the maknae’s smile looked, how his chapped lips were cracked.

“I guess so,” Seungri laughed softly.

“How’re you feeling?”

“Tired.”

“Because of the chemo?”

“Maybe. Just tired.”

Seunghyun’s eyes were drawn to the younger man’s arms, which were slowly becoming littered with blossoming bruises caused by repeated needle sticks.

"They had to switch which arm they used," Seungri spoke as if reading his hyung's mind, "They said they needed to change it every once in a while or the veins would collapse from overuse."

"Mmm," the charismatic rapper, usually so able to speak his mind around his teammate, wasn't certain of how to respond. What could he say in a situation like this?

“Are you uncomfortable, hyung?”

Seunghyun's head snapped up at that and couldn't help but let out a laugh, “I should be asking you that.”

“You already know my answer. Just look at my face, I’m growing uglier each day!” the younger man exclaimed with a wide grin.

He wanted to smile, but he just couldn’t force himself to as he took in the maknae's tired features, “Don’t do that, Ri.”

“Do what?”

“Pretend.”

-

_2007_

Seunghyun saw it from out of the periphery of his vision. The fireworks went off, loud and bright. Then Seungri was turning away as fast as he could, trying to escape the blast. A trail of smoke followed the path which the maknae had traveled, signaling he had been hit. The rapper could see the younger boy standing still on stage, hands pressed to his face.

His heart pounded in his chest. He wanted to go to his teammate, but he had to keep performing as everyone kept moving around him. He couldn’t leave his position and he hated that they had trained him so well that he was unwilling to abandon his post even when he knew he should be more concerned for their maknae's well being.

They pulled Seungri off stage and Seunghyun couldn’t do more than stay there under the glaring lights listening to the sounds of the audience as they waited. He almost started to walk off, but then their maknae was back, waving to the crowd, smiling and bowing in apology. Seungri looked cheerful, unaffected, but his face was pale, gleaming with sweat.

The maknae's limp progressively became worse as the show proceeded. Seunghyun could see the younger boy gritting his teeth through the choreography, his face losing color with each song. The older boy tried approaching during a quick interlude, but the other boy shook his head, determined to finish the set.

Then suddenly, Seungri was no longer on stage. They were prompted by staff to continue to perform. It was one of the lowest notes they had ever ended on.

It wasn't until later, backstage, as they were undressing that they were updated on their maknae's condition. Seungri had passed out from the pain he was experiencing and was rushed to the hospital for treatment.

"That stupid boy!" Yang Hyunsuk spat. But even through the anger, Seunghyun could see the concern etched on their CEO's features. "He shouldn't have insisted on going back. So stupid and stubborn."

-

_Present_

Seungri groaned.

Seunghyun bolted up from his seat, “Are you alright?”

“Nauseous,” the younger man breathed, leaning forward in his seat, a hand over his mouth.

The rapper pulled one of the plastic bins in the room closer and placed it in front of Seungri. He heard the younger man heave, loudly, several times, but nothing came up. He tried to do the best he could, his hand rubbing comforting circles on his friend’s back. He couldn’t help but feel awkward and helpless, unable to do more than just stand there, observing.

Seungri slowly straightened up, catching his breath as he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. When he spoke, his voice was a low, raspy whisper, “I’m okay.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m going to keep the bin next to your chair, okay?”

The younger man simply nodded, situating himself back in his seat. It was really then that Seunghyun realized how tired Seungri looked, how utterly exhausted his entire body must have been. He automatically reached for the maknae’s hand, gripping it tight, almost as tight as his chest felt seeing his friend this way.

“Hyung, I’m fine,” Seungri said, but his voice was shaky.

“No, you’re not.”

-

_2013_

"You're not taking care of yourself, Seungri," Seunghyun said, hugging the younger man.

Seungri laughed into the embrace, "It's good to see you too, hyung."

"I'm being serious."

"Can we, at least, sit down before you start scolding me?"

"I guess I can grant you that."

The two smiled at each other. It had been months since they were finally able to schedule something together. It was good to be in each others presence, but the first thing Seunghyn noticed was how _thin_ Seungri looked.

"Wow, this place looks nice," the younger man looked about the restaurant, taking his seat at the small table that had been reserved for them, "I hope I don't make a fool of myself in here."

"Would that be any different than how you usually are?" the older man teased.

Though they hadn't seen each other in so long, they were already falling into a comfortable routine. It was natural for them to act a certain way and it put the charismatic rapper at ease. However, as animated as Seungri was, he couldn't help but notice how dark those signature eye bags had become, appearing like bruises against the maknae's face. He couldn't help but notice how thin the younger man's face was, cheekbones more prominent than before. He disliked how Seungri's shirt was too loose in all the wrong places.

"Seungri."

"Hm?"

"Are you taking care of yourself?"

The younger man rolled his eyes and spoke in a playful whine, "Hyung."

"I mean it."

"You worry too much. Stop being so serious."

"It's unfortunate, but a lot that you do causes worry."

"You're starting to sound like Jiyong hyung," Seungri pouted.

Seunghyun shook his head and laughed, deciding it would be better to drop the subject. They didn't have to talk about it now. They could do that later.

-

_Present_

Seunghyun exhaled.

Smoke drifted from his mouth into the night sky. He had promised he would quit at the beginning of the year, but recent events made it harder than he had ever anticipated. It wasn't just a habit, it was a necessity. It was the only way to calm his nerves, to keep his mind from wandering too far into territory he wasn't ready to face.

He flicked the butt of the cigarette over the balcony. He had intended on going back inside, but the cool night air felt good against his face, the breeze weaving through his hair. Leaning against the banister, he looked out at the city skyline, watching the way the lights came on and off, as one part of the day ended another began.

He squeezed his eyes shut, taking a deep breath. The intrusive thoughts were coming again, even from watching the simple dance of lights that was happening before him. He hated the way they squeezed into his mind, pushing past all thought and reason. He reached into his pocket, looking for his pack of cigarettes, cursing as he realized he was down to his last one. With shaky hands, he placed it in his mouth, but as he reached to light it he hesitated.

_This isn't going to work_. He pulled the cigarette from his mouth and stared at it for a long moment before crushing it in his hand. He shook his head, trying to clear the heaviness that had descended upon him. He composed himself, smoothing down his shirt, and stepped back inside his hotel room. _Get it together. Keep it together._


	3. Chapter 3

_Present_

"I really wish you guys would stop spoiling me."

Daesung looked up from the takeout he was laying out on the coffee table and rolled his eyes at Seungri, "Whatever, you enjoy the attention."

"Maybe just a little," the blonde answered with a laugh. Then he was yawning and placing a hand over his mouth to stifle the sound, "I'm sorry."

"Tired?"

The younger man nodded, one hand rubbing his eyes, "It's been a long day."

"Are you sure you're up for eating?"

"I don't know, but I should really try."

Daesung picked up one of the bowls he had brought with him and poured a small amount of vegetable broth from one of the containers. Carefully, he handed the hot liquid to Seungri, "Try this first."

"Thanks, hyung. You really didn't have to do all of this for me."

"You're my dongsaeng! I'll take care of you, whether you like it or not."

The younger man giggled, holding the soup in his hands, "I'm very lucky to have you looking after me."

Daesung sat down on the couch next to Seungri and the two ate in comfortable silence. The TV was on in the background, rerunning an old drama. He found himself looking over at the younger man who was taking small, slow sips from his bowl. The maknae was always so full of energy. Even now, when the blonde looked so worn out, so much smaller than he used to be, his eyes still shone with life. There were days when the older man could still see that glint of youthful mischief.

Daesung feared that one day soon, that light inside of Seungri would be extinguished. The thought sent an uncomfortable chill down his spine.

-

_2009_

"Hyung?"

Daesung looked up from his book to see Seungri standing in the doorway of their dorm room, "What is it?"

"Can I ask you something?"

"Of course," he marked his place in the book before setting it down. He patted the open space on the bed, signaling the younger boy to sit. Seungri did so, situating himself on the edge of the mattress, looking tense. Daesung gave the boy a worried look, disliking the silence, "Are you alright?"

The maknae nodded, but he was wringing his hands together. Ever since their appearance on Intimate Note, Daesung had taken to paying more attention to his teammate, trying to know him better. He was starting to get better at reading the younger boy's body language. The problem was that it was always so subtle that he sometimes missed the signs that there was ever anything wrong at all.

"Am I bothersome?" Seungri asked, finally, the words coming out in a rush.

The older boy blinked, feeling his face get hot at the offense he felt at that question, "Did someone say something to you?"

"No. I just hear things."

"Like what?"

"That I'm attention seeking and annoying."

"Seungri," the younger boy's face was blank, but Daesung could tell by his breathing that his feelings were hurt and he was trying to not cry, "Seungri, look at me."

Seungri shook his head, trying to hide his face in his hands. The older boy reached out and placed his hands on the maknae's shoulders, pulling him closer. The younger boy was shaking from the effort to not cry, perhaps embarrassed that he was being so openly emotional in front of one of his hyungs.

"Don't listen to those words," Daesung said, his voice soft and soothing, hugging his teammate to his chest. Half a year ago, this moment would have been awkward. It would have been strange for them to have such close contact. But now, all he felt was concern for Seungri. He also felt a slow burning anger rising in him as he speculated as to who could have said those hurtful things about their maknae. "The people who say that don't know who you really are."

"But what if they're right?" the younger boy asked, his voice trembling.

"They'll only be right if you allow them to be. Don't let them be right." He placed a hand on Seungri's chin and lifted the younger boy's face. Those eyes, filled with tears and hurt made his chest feel tight with grief, "You're special. People don't understand that. We _do_. That's why we love you."

Then suddenly it wasn't sadness shining in Seungri's eyes, but surprise and hope, "Hyung, do you really mean that?"

It was then that Daesung realized it was the first time he had expressed his feelings towards the maknae. He smiled and held the younger boy tighter, "Yes. I mean that."

-

_Present_

Daesung tidied up, putting away leftovers as Seungri slept. He couldn't help noticing how little the younger man had eaten. Just a bite here and there. Even the broth was hardly touched, despite how little there had been. He shook his head, knowing that there wasn't much he could do, but seeing the barely touched food made him worry.

As he was wiping down the coffee table, he noticed that the floor was also in need of a good sweeping. Aside from dust and dirt, he saw that there were loose strands of blonde hair as well. He had heard from Jiyong about how Seungri's hair was starting to fall out and from the looks of it, it was steadily getting worse.

He looked at the younger man, curled up under a blanket on the sofa, lightly snoring. Seungri looked so young then, so normal, a little thinner perhaps, but anyone without knowledge would have thought he looked healthy.

Daesung wanted to reach out and touch the maknae's face, but didn't want to risk waking his teammate, not with knowing how tiring the younger man's routine had been as of late with all of his appointments.

_How much longer can this last?_ He wondered. _How much longer can we keep acting like everything's normal?_ This wasn't Seungri taking sick days to recuperate. This was Seungri fighting to increase his chances of survival against something none of them could see. It was something none of them could defend him from.

_How long can you hide behind that smile?_ Daesung desperately wanted to ask. He didn't know if he could ever brace himself for the day when their maknae would stop laughing.

-

_2012_

"What do you have to say for yourself?" Yang Hyunsuk was deathly calm.

The five of them stood there, unable to say a single word. Daesung knew this was about Seungri. The photos and story about him having kinky habits in bed. They didn't all have to be in the same room, but Daesung knew this was to drive home a point. If any of them stepped out of line, the others would suffer the consequences as well. It had always been this way since the beginning, but he couldn't help but feel that this particular matter could have been handled in private.

"Well?" the CEO asked, his voice never rising. It was scary how level headed he was being.

"I'm sorry," Seungri finally spoke as he stepped forward and bowed deeply. He turned to face each of them and one by one went down the row repeating himself, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

When the maknae stood before him, it was the first time Daesung had seen the younger man's eyes so lifeless and filled with regret. It was the first time he had ever seen those eyes so absolutely devoid of the energy and joy he was so accustomed to.

"I'll reflect on my mistakes and do my best to restore the team's image. Please try to find it in your hearts to forgive me."

Their CEO only sighed in annoyance, "Out. All of you."

Seungri was the first to rush to the stairway after walking out of the office, breaking free of the rest of the group who were taking their time. Daesung looked to the others, but no one was making a move to follow their teammate. He gave them all a questioning look, but it didn't matter, they weren't going to do anything. They needed time to digest the information as well and this wasn't the time to confront them.

Still, Daesung shook his head and ran to the stairwell, hoping to catch up with the younger boy.

"Seungri!" he called into the stairwell as he made his way down, taking two steps at a time to try and close the gap between them. "Seungri, wait!"

He found the maknae several floors below, just sitting in a corner, knees pulled up to his chest.

"Seungri."

"Leave me alone."

"Is that any way to talk to your hyung?"

" _Please_ leave me alone, hyung."

Daesung sighed and slid down to seat himself next to the other boy, "No."

"I figured that'd be your answer."

"Obviously."

Seungri laughed then, rubbing a hand over his face. He looked so tired, "This is what we get for being famous, I guess."

"No, this is what you get for being a player."

"That too."

Daesung put his arm around the younger boy's shoulder, pulling him closer. Easily the maknae leaned into his touch, "Are you alright?"

"I will be."

"Good," he held Seungri for a bit longer, neither speaking.

He was proud of their maknae, despite the recent scandal. His teammate learned over time to develop a thicker skin, to take things in stride and let all the negativity roll off of him like water off a duck's back. This incident will take longer to clear up, but he knew Seungri would make it out with head held high, looking toward the future.

-

_Present_

Daesung had his hands clasped together tight as he reflected on his day and visit with Seungri. He took a deep breath, trying to push back the unwavering feelings of sadness that threatened to assault his heart. He could feel the prick of tears in his eyes, but he refused to cry.

Seungri wouldn't want him to cry.

_If you're listening_ , Daesung prayed, harder than he ever had before, _Please watch over us. Watch over Seungri._

His faith was all he knew to rely on in moments of darkness.

_Please._

Yet, he couldn't help but to feel that too often bad things happened to good people.

_Please._

He couldn't help but feel as if sometimes, no one was listening.

_Please._

He could feel his beliefs being tested.

_If you're there at all, please do something._


	4. Chapter 4

_Present_

"Are you sure?" Youngbae asked, holding the clippers in his hand, just inches away from Seungri's hairline.

The younger man nodded, "Just do it, hyung."

The older man nodded, positioning the hair clipper closer. He turned it on and it started to buzz. He focused, using quick, precise motions as he began to shave off Seungri's hair. The blonde locks had already been falling out, leaving patchy spots on the younger man's scalp. A trim was badly needed and it was obvious, but Youngabe couldn't help but feel that the act was just adding another layer to everything that had been happening in recent months. This almost made the maknae's illness more real, slowly pushing the stark reality to the surface of their lives.

"How's it look?" Seungri was gazing at him questioningly, like an unsure child.

"Not bad," Youngbae answered, running a hand over the younger man's scalp, searching for any stray strands he may have missed, "Your head has a good shape."

"Do I still look cute?"

The older man rolled his eyes, "Should I be nice or do you want the truth?"

Seungri laughed then, reaching up to run his hands over his newly shaved head, "It feels weird. Like I'm completely naked and exposed."

"Here," Youngbae removed his beanie and fixed it on his teammate's head, "You'll need this."

"Thanks, hyung," Seungri smiled, adjusting the hat to fit better.

"Go rest. I'll clean up."

"Let me help."

"You don't have to."

"I can help."

"No. Just go rest."

"Hyung.

"Seungri."

"Stop treating me like a child!" Youngbae startled at the sound of Seungri's raised voice, something he hadn't heard in a long time. The younger man's eyes were shining with anger, but as suddenly as the emotion appeared, it was gone. The fire burned out, leaving behind only exhaustion, "I'm sorry."

"Ri..."

"Don't," the maknae put his hands up defensively, taking two steps back.

"Seungri."

"I said, don't!"

But Youngbae couldn't help himself as he stepped forward and pulled Seungri into a tight hug. The younger man tried to push him off, at first, hands pressing against his chest, but he wasn't strong enough anymore to push Youngbae away. Then Seungri was sagging against him, knees giving out, slowly sinking to the floor. He held the maknae, lowering himself until they were both kneeling, feeling the younger man trembling against him. Those hands on his chest balled into fists, gripping the fabric of his shirt tight, soft, choked sobs escaping.

The sound was heartbreaking.

-

_2014_

Youngbae glanced over at Seungri, unable to shake the feeling that something was wrong. The younger man was sweating profusely, even though they hadn't been practicing their set list for very long.

"You okay?" he approached his teammate, concerned.

The maknae nodded, wiping the sweat from his face with one sleeve, "I'm fine."

"You don't look fine."

"I think I just need a quick break. That's all."

Seungri left the room, exiting quietly, unlike his usual self, and Youngbae cast a worried look over to Jiyong, who had been watching the scene unfold. The leader shrugged, signaling he wasn't sure if they should follow their teammate and see what was up.

Youngbae glanced from the door back to Jiyong, who was now talking to Daesung, and decided it was best to see if their youngest was doing alright. It hadn't been long since Seungri's car accident, which resulted in his hospitalization. He remembered how they had tried to talk him out of getting discharged, tried to discourage him from practicing and stressing himself more than he should, but the maknae was having none of it, stubborn as ever, apologizing over and over again for missing previous events during his recovery.

As he made his way out into the hall, he could see Seungri leaning with one hand against the wall, as if to steady himself. Youngbae approached, gently placing a hand on the younger man's shoulder. He could feel the undeniable heat coming from his teammate, which raised more than a couple of concerns.

"Hey," he glanced at the maknae's face, which was pale, sweat dripping from his brow.

"Is it cold in here?" Seungri asked, sounding out of breath.

"How can you feel cold? You're burning up."

"Hyung, I-I feel strange."

Then the younger man was pitching forward. Youngbae barely had time to react, quickly wrapping his arms around Seungri to catch him. They both fell to the floor and he could feel the impact, sharp and painful spreading over his tailbone and up his back.

He swore loudly before looking down at his teammate. The younger man's breathing was labored, the sound a low rattle in his throat as he inhaled. Then Seungri's eyes rolled back in his head as he went limp in Youngbae's hold.

"Seungri!"

-

_Present_

"Is your family visiting again soon?" Youngbae asked, looking through the fridge to see if he could whip up something for them to eat. He was disappointed to see that the shelves were practically empty save for a few essentials like milk and eggs.

"They want to come, but I don't know if _I_ want them to."

He looked over at Seungri, who was leaning against the counter, "Why not?"

"I don't want them to see me like this."

"They _should_ see you."

"I know. It's just hard to see their reaction when they see me."

Youngbae gave the younger man a tight lipped smile, understanding what he meant. He wanted to press further, knowing that family was important. Seungri had been through so much with his family, done so many things to make sure he was able to succeed for them that others may have a hard time processing the thought of not seeing them. But he knew, without a doubt, that this was the maknae's way of protecting his family from being hurt, as illogical as it may seem.

"You don't have anything to eat here, Seungri."

"Haven't had much of an appetite lately."

"You still need to eat something."

"Hyung, you're starting to sound like my mother," Seungri laughed.

"I'm serious."

"I know," the younger man was still smiling, but there was a sadness to his features that Youngbae couldn't shake, "I'll try harder."

-

_2014_

Youngbae was angry.

He was upset and didn't know if he could keep himself from yelling all the things he had pent up inside of him. He had been determined when he walked into the hospital. He had been planning on speaking his mind, on venting and raising hell. But then he saw Seungri, lying there in bed, looking so exhausted, and his rage softened significantly.

"Hyung," the younger man spotted him and pushed himself up on the bed, already smiling.

Youngbae couldn't stop himself as he strode up to the side of the maknae's bed and smacked the younger man upside the head.

"Ow! Hey!"

"You are so damn stubborn! What were you trying to do to yourself, you idiot?"

For a moment, Youngabe raised his hand again, ready to strike the younger man. But he just couldn't do it when he caught sight of those wide, questioning eyes. Instead, he threw his arms around Seungri and pulled his teammate close, hugging him tight.

"Hyung," the younger man's voice was muffled, pressed against his chest.

"What if we hadn't been there?" he asked, his hands gripping the maknae's hospital gown at the thought. Tears formed in his eyes and he was powerless to stop them as he continued to speak, "What if you had been alone? Or driving? What would have happened if we hadn't been where we were?"

Seungri's body relaxed against his. Then he felt those familiar arms looping around his waist, hugging him back, "I didn't mean to cause worry."

"Scared the hell out of us, you stupid idiot."

"I'm sorry."

"You had better be."

They both laughed then, but Youngbae refused to let go of his hold on Seungri. The fear of what could have been was still pulsing through him, and the thought that he could have lost someone important to him just made him want to hold onto the maknae all the more.

-

_Present_

Youngbae winced as he swallowed another shot of soju. He stared at the nearly full bottle in front of him, fingers playing with the neck, occasionally skimming the rim. He usually hated drinking alone, but he needed to process all the thoughts and feelings that had been going through him in the past few months. _When did this all become so real?_ he wondered as he poured another shot.

For a while there, they could ignore all the signs that something was wrong with Seungri.

For a while, they could all pretend that Seungri was still healthy.

But with each passing day the pieces fell away and they knew they would have to confront the one thing that had been in front of them all along.

Seungri was sick.

And there was nothing they could do to help.


	5. Chapter 5

_ Present _

"Jiyong."

"Hm?"

"I've been thinking..."

"Oh yeah?" he couldn't help the playful astonishment he expressed, glancing down at the younger man lying in his lap. He expected Seungri to roll his eyes, or say something snarky back, but was met with only a serious look. He was so unaccustomed to that look, "What is it?"

"I want to stop the treatments."

Jiyong felt as if his heart was going to cease to beat in his chest, "Why?"

"Just look at me..."

And he did. He looked at Seungri, as if seeing him for the first time since this all started.

The younger man was thin, too thin, looking starved and tired. His arms were littered with bruises from needles, the endless blood draws and chemo rounds each leaving their own distinctive mark. His hair was gone and he constantly wore a knitted hat, trying keep his head warm, trying to keep every part of him warm by bundling up, even on the warmest of days.

"I can't live like this," Seungri breathed.

Jiyong knew that was true. On good days, the younger man could take care of himself, but those moments were short lived as his energy was easily drained by everyday activities. Even just going to the store for groceries left him feeling run down.

Then there were the bad days, when everything, every part of him ached and all he could do was curl up in bed, willing it all to go away. Often, on those days, Jiyong would be there, hugging his maknae tight, hands rubbing comforting circles into the younger man's back.

For Seungri, Jiyong knew, being trapped, unable to socialize, unable to wander farther than a few blocks was torture. He needed to be out and about, expending energy. Being unable to live the life that he was used to, to perform, to entertain, to see all manner of people, was living hell.

"You know what will happen if you stop," Jiyong spoke, unable to go further than that.

"I'm not scared, hyung."

"I am."

He felt the tears in his eyes, welling up and spilling down his cheeks, hot and thick. He couldn't stop them, as much as he tried. He couldn't keep them from falling. Then his maknae, his Seungri was holding him, pressing their foreheads together.

"It's not fair," the words tumbled out of his mouth. They sounded so ugly, full of grief and bitterness, "This isn't fair!"

Jiyong felt Seungri's arms tighten around him. The younger man's soft, sweet voice whispered to him, "I know. I know."

-

_ Four Months Ago _

Jiyong looked at the clock. It was getting late. He had promised the team that they would be out before 11pm so that they could grab a quick dinner and head to bed before their travels the next day. It was quickly approaching that time and he was always one to keep his word. He had one problem though: Seungri.

Something about the entire practice was bothering him. It was as if the younger man just couldn't concentrate, losing his place and forgetting steps that they had all practiced before, some of them were even years old. He could see Seungri now, in one corner of the practice room, frowning as he tried to practice his moves again and again.

Something was wrong.

Jiyong watched for a while longer, but couldn't for the life of him figure out what he was missing.

"Alright guys, let's wrap it up and get out of here," he clapped his hands loudly, getting everyone's attention. Cheers greeted him and he couldn't help but laugh. He approached Seungri and placed a hand on the younger man's shoulder, "Ready to go?"

"Yeah," the blonde said, but he was pressing a hand to his temple, wincing.

"You alright?"

"I think I'm getting a migraine."

The older man frowned, "We better get you home first then."

"No, I'll head back on my own. I drove here anyway," Seungri protested, "You guys go grab dinner."

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

-

_ Present _

Jiyong traced a finger down Seungri's spine, feeling each vertebrae that stuck out just a little too far for his liking. He slung his arm over the younger man's waist, hugging tight, pressing his chest to the other man's back. It had been a long time since they laid in bed like that.

"What're you thinking?" Seungri asked softly, shifting to look back at him.

He shook his head, "I don't know. My mind's just wandering."

"Are you still thinking about what I said earlier?"

"Maybe just a bit."

"Hyung, you need to stop thinking so much."

"I can't help it."

Jiyong buried his face in Seungri's shirt, trying to stop new tears that threatened to surface. He breathed in deep, taking in the scent of the maknae, both familiar and unfamiliar. There had always been something about the way that Seungri smelled, sweet and clean, like a cool spring morning. But recently, something else was present as well. It was that harsh hospital smell, the stinging bite of disinfectant and nauseous reminder of sickness. It was as if that smell seeped into every part of the younger man, tainting everything that it touched.

"Will you be mad if I go through with it?" Seungri asked.

"I can't stop you from doing what you feel is right," Jiyong said, even though he wanted to say that he would be upset. He would be angry because that meant giving up. But that was selfish of him and there was no room for him to think of himself at times like this. "Only you can dictate what you want, Ri."

"I just don't want people to think that I'm giving up," the younger man said, as if knowing what Jiyong was thinking, "The way that I'm living now... It's not even a half life. If I have to go, I want to go on my own terms."

"Stop." The younger man shifted in his arms. They looked at each other for a long moment. Jiyong breathed, his heart pounding in his chest, "Please, don't talk like that."

"We're going to have to talk about it."

"I know... Just not for a while longer. Please."

-

_ Four Months Ago _

"I may have something in my bag to help with the migraine, if you need it," Jiyong offered, already rummaging through the duffle bag that contained his workout clothes.

"It's fine, hyung," Seungri said with a smile, picking up his belongings, "Let's get out of here so you can catch up with everyone else."

"Are you sure you're okay to drive home?"

The younger man rolled his eyes and didn't give an answer as they made their way to the elevator. Jiyong watched the younger man carefully, all too familiar with how often Seungri shrugged off things that could be serious. Too many years of knowing the maknae and far too many incidents for his liking made him on high alert whenever he felt something was off. _It's like the guy has no sense of self preservation_ , he thought as they rode the elevator down, a feeling of dread coiling itself in the pit of his stomach.

"I'll see you bright and early, hyung!" Seungri put on a cute voice, at least, an octave higher than usual and hugged Jiyong tight.

The older man couldn't help laughing as he struggled to get out of the maknae's grasp, but the younger man held tight. The two laughed and laughed, unable to contain themselves until they heard someone shouting to them from down the parking lot.

"Hurry up, you two!" Seunghyun's annoyance was very clear. He was obviously ready to get going and grab a bite to eat.

"Better go," Jiyong said, pushing the younger man from him, "See you."

As they headed in separate directions, Jiyong couldn't help but to look back at Seungri, watching the younger man's retreating back. As he waited, like a dutiful mother, for the younger man to get to his car, he noticed how Seungri's pace slowed. The maknae came to a full stop, hands pressed against his temples.

Jiyong's heart raced. The dread he had been feeling was snaking up into his chest.

Suddenly, Seungri dropped to his knees.

It was as if the world around him slowed down, watching the younger man go down, crumpling into an unmoving heap on the ground.

-

_ Present _

"Please stay," Seungri pleaded, his hand a light touch against Jiyong's wrist.

"Ri..."

"I just don't want to be alone right now."

Jiyong's first instinct was to reach for Seungri's hair. He started when his fingertips felt only the soft fuzz that was left on the younger man's scalp, surprised by its presence and yet unfamiliar with the way those short, short strands felt in his hand. A part of him wanted to recoil, but forced himself not to.

"Do you want to watch a movie?" the older man asked, trying to lighten the mood.

"That'd be nice."

And Jiyong couldn't help the way his heart fluttered when he saw Seungri genuinely smile.


	6. Chapter 6

_ Present _

Seunghyun had promised he would stop in and check on Seungri. He had missed his last opportunity, something having come up at the last moment.

He told Jiyong he had availability this time. He made sure his schedule was clear, but when the day came and the reminder popped up on his phone, he couldn't bring himself to get ready. The thought of heading out the door was too much to even handle.

It seemed that every time he saw Seungri, between his busy schedule, the younger man looked worse and worse. At first, it wasn't so bad, he could hardly tell. The maknae was just as lively as always, smiling and talking. They even went out for meals, maybe a drink here or there, and shopped as they normally would.

Then, everything started to deteriorate. Seungri grew thinner and thinner, as if one day he would simply vanish. That life, that light, that ball of energy Seunghyun was so used to seemed to grow dimmer and dimmer with each passing day. It became an endless cycle from the hospital to Seungri's home. There were no more impromptu shopping trips, no spontaneous outings, and the laughter - the normally endless laughter - became more and more strained.

Seeing Seungri hurt.

It hurt deeply and, often, he felt like he couldn't breathe.

**I can't go.** He texted Daesung.

**You promised.** The reply came instantaneously.

**I can't.**

**Don't do this.**

**I'm sorry.**

**Whatever.**

He hated how weak he was.

-

_ Five Months Ago _

Cancer.

The word was ugly and harsh.

"I'll do my best to keep up during promotions, while I go through my treatments," Seungri told the group.

"No, we're not going to go forward with the schedule," Jiyong spoke.

"Why not?" the maknae retorted, "You can't cancel just because of me."

"This is serious," the leader fired back, rising from his seat, his face already beginning to flush with anger.

" _I'm_ serious!"

"Stop!" Seunghyun exclaimed, putting a hand on Jiyong's chest, pushing him back down. He looked the youngest over, still trying to process everything.

"I just want to keep working, hyung," Seungri answered, looking ever determined, "I don't want to let this dictate my life."

Seungri had worked through sleep issues, colds and other sicknesses, as well as injuries, but this was different. This wasn't just a one and done type deal.

"Alright," Youngbae was the first to get up and throw an arm around the youngest, "But don't expect us to baby you."

"We always baby him," Daesung snorted, getting up from his position as well to pull Seungri into a hug.

That seemed to set everyone else into motion as they all gathered around the maknae and threw their arms around him, hugging as a group, holding tight.

"Ah, you guys, you're suffocating me!" Seungri exclaimed.

Everyone laughed and it felt good. It felt good to forget for, for just a moment, what they had heard.

-

_ Present _

"What is wrong with you?" Jiyong was yelling at him on the phone, voice raised, spewing words of anger, "Grow up!"

Those words made Seunghyun flinch. He knew what he was doing wasn't exactly the most mature way to approach the situation, but to have it pointed up some plainly was hard for him to stand.

"You haven't seen him in almost an entire month!" the leader was on a roll, the words came rushing out and Seunghyun knew there was nothing to contain them, "He asks for you, wondering where the hell you are. Do you know how much it sucks to have to tell him that you can't see him cause you're too damn busy? Cause you can't seem to find room in your stupid schedule."

"Jiyong..."

"Shut up!"

"Ji--"

"What does he have to do, Seunghyun? Die?"

God, those words stung. The rapper felt as though Jiyong was reaching through the phone, catching his heart in a stranglehold.

He listened to the sound of their leader's heavy breathing on the other line, unable to speak. He didn't want to think about it - Seungri dying - but there it was, right in front of him, taunting him. He had tried to block it from his thoughts, because to him, it seemed as if Seungri was already dying, every day pieces of him were disappearing.

"It just hurts..." he finally said, tears welling in his eyes.

A sigh, "Do you think you're the only one that feels that way?"

"I--"

"Don't be so selfish."

And he couldn't deny those words because they were true. He was being childish as he always was, despite being the oldest.

-

_ Five Months Ago _

"Will you keep me company one of these days?" Seungri asked, glancing over with a smile.

"What? When?" Seunghyun asked, pulling himself out of his own little world.

The younger man laughed, "When I'm getting my chemo rounds done. They take a while and it'd be nice to have someone sit with me once in a while."

"...Oh."

"You don't have to answer right now, hyung," it was as if the maknae could sense his hesitation, "Besides, Youngbae hyung hasn't gotten back to me either."

"I just need to check my schedule," Seunghyun retorted, trying to make it sound casual, despite knowing that he felt uncomfortable with the subject. It wasn't his place to feel uncomfortable. He wasn't the one that had to be in and out of the hospital.

"Just let me know," the younger man's smile was brilliant, almost as if he hadn't just heard terrible news.

The rapper reached out his arm, "Come here, Seunghyun."

The maknae blinked, pausing for a long moment at the mention of his real name, "Hyung?"

The older man only beckoned for Seungri to come closer with his hand. Once the younger man was settled next to him, Seunghyun pulled him into a tight hug. The maknae hugged him back.

"You don't have to worry about me, hyung."

"How can I not?"

Seungri's laughed caused them both to shake, the sound vibrating through Seunghyun's chest, "Cause I can take care of myself."

"You're still the baby."

"Ugh," the younger man rolled his eyes at that and pouted.

"See!"

"Hyung, stop teasing me!"

"Never."

-

_ Present _

**I'm sorry about today. I'll be there next time. I promise.** His finger hovered over the send button, unsure what he could say to Seungri for missing their time together.

He could almost picture the younger man's face, disappointed as he read the text, and he wanted to do so much more than send a message. A part of him knew that a call would be better, but he didn't know which side of Seungri would greet him. Would it be the one who was still a fraction of his former self? Or would it be the version who was worn down by doctor's visits and medication?

**I'm sorry about today. I'll be there next time.** He sent the message and set his phone down.

Seunghyun pressed his hands to his face, trying to suppress the guilt he felt. He could have done so much more than just wallow, but the fear - the fear that was created by everything in this terrible scenario - threatened to swallow him whole.

His phone vibrated, signaling a new message.

**It's okay, hyung. Looking forward to seeing you soon! :)**

Reading that hurt more than if he hadn't gotten a response at all.


	7. Chapter 7

_ Present _

"I'd like to go for a drive," Seungri said wistfully, looking out the window.

"Where to?" Daesung asked.

"Anywhere. I'd just like to get out of the apartment."

"The beach?"

"Like you'd actually take me," the maknae rolled his eyes. And Daesung smiled, wide and mischievous, eyebrows raised suggestively. Seungri sat up straighter in his seat, "Really, hyung?!"

"Get dressed and we'll go."

The older man couldn't help the laughed that escaped his lips when the younger man scrambled to get up and put on presentable clothing, as if every passing moment was an opportunity for him to change his mind. Daesung had thought it over several times. He needed to take Seungri away from reality for a moment, especially after having to tell him that Seunghyun was backing out on seeing him a few days ago.

_Damn it, hyung,_ he still couldn't believe the rapper had just abandoned their maknae. He knew it was hard to handle the situation, but they had to be there for their friend, their brother.

"Ready!" Seungri exclaimed, coming back with a wide smile across his features, practically all of his teeth showing. None of his clothes fit quite right and he had on a too big, too bright, neon green knitted hat, which made him look almost childlike.

Daesung snorted, trying to contain himself.

"What?" the younger man asked, pulling his hat lower.

"You look like a big kid, that's all."

"I do not!" the pout the maknae put on helped even less with the visual.

"Come on," Daesung slung an arm around Seungri's shoulders, "Let's go before someone catches us in the act."

-

_ 2015 _

Seungri was laughing, drinking beer and dancing to the loud club music pounding in their ears. Daesung couldn't help but laugh along, moving his hips and dancing without a care in the world. It felt good to be in a place where no one recognized them and they could go a little wild.

There were sweaty bodies all around them, beautiful women and handsome men, all of them dressed to have fun, perhaps even get lucky. There was an extraordinary amount of blondes, ranging from voluptuous to model thin. Or perhaps that was just his perception as the sight was far more frequent in the USA than in Korea.

"I'm so glad you came with me!" Seungri shouted over the music, throwing an arm around Daesung and pulling him close as the tempo of the music picked up.

The two of them jumped to the beat, feeling the bump of other bodies against theirs. Daesung could feel the sweat dripping from his brow, his hair swinging about wildly as he tried to keep in rhythm and it felt good.

It felt good to let go and revel in the spontaneity that Seungri had brought about in him.

Years ago, he was a bit more hesitant to go out clubbing, always labeled as the good boy of the group. But Seungri had a way of pulling people out of their shell, forcing them to have fun, even when they think they can't.

"Hyung, are you having a good time?" the maknae asked, leaning in close.

"Yeah!" the older man tried to say over the music, his lips practically brushing up against the other's ear he had to get so close to be heard.

"Ah, you're the best!" the younger man hugged him tighter, body swaying, unsteady, obviously drunk, "I wish the other hyungs were as cool as you!"

"But then I wouldn't be special!"

Seungri laughed uproariously at that and rather than say more, he pulled Daesung deeper into the dance floor, flirting left and right as they went.

-

_ Present _

The sea air smelled wonderful.

There was a gentle breeze, just enough to ruffle his hair as Daesung sat on the hood of his car with Seungri, who was leaning against him. The two were just watching from a distance as people ran toward the water, watching as small ships sailed in the distance, watching as life, that wasn't their own, happened before their eyes.

"Hyung?" Seungri's voice was soft.

"Hm?" he looked down at the younger man, who was still staring off into the distance.

"Thank you for this," the maknae pressed closer to him, making the older man all the more aware of how bony Seungri had become.

"You're welcome."

The ocean waves rushed toward the shore. They could hear children laughing, running away from the surging waters. The sounds of parents shouting, gulls in flight, footsteps on the sand, it swirled around them.

"Do you think Seunghyun hyung will want to do this with me too?"

Daesung felt his heart skip a beat at those words, "I'm sure he will."

"I was really surprised that you agreed to this, you know," Seungri continued, never taking his eyes off the horizon, "This seems like something our hyung would do. He used to plot things like this with me."

"The two of you are troublemakers. That's why you have the same name."

The younger man continued speaking as if he hadn't heard what Daesung said, "I feel like he's been avoiding me."

"Don't say that."

"I haven't seen him in a long time."

"We'll make him clear his schedule, drag him kicking and screaming if we have to," Daesung was trying to lighten the mood, but that laughter he was so used to didn't greet him.

"It's okay if he doesn't want to see me."

"Seungri."

"It must be hard for him."

Those words made Daesung feel a terrible urge to punch Seunghyun in the face.

-

_ Five Months Ago _

Daesung watched as Seungri animatedly talked to their interviewer, hands moving all over the place. It was as if the past couple of weeks hadn't happened. The maknae was still his same old self, entertaining to the best of his ability. It was fascinating to see because he knew that if he were in the younger man's position, he would be too focused on his mortality and what was to come.

"We should live each day as fully as we can," Seungri said, "There's no point in delaying and wondering what could have been."

The audience applause, loud and deafening.

_They don't know how much he means that,_ Daesung thought.

Youngbae's hand was already ruffling Seungri's hair, causing the younger man to yelp in surprise before bursting into laughter, "Just don't make a fool of yourself like this one here!"

"Hyung!" the maknae exclaimed, still laughing as the audience's voices joined his, a chorus of laughter.

Daesung tried to cover his mouth, watching as Youngbae played roughly with Seungri, trying to climb onto the protesting younger man's back. _They're always like this._

_I hope we stay like this._

-

_ Present _

Seungri slept the whole drive back. Daesung looked over at the younger man and contemplated for a moment before he pulled out his phone. Positioning his device just so, he snapped a quick picture. The flash went off, illuminating the entire interior of the car which made the younger man jerk awake.

He felt bad for laughing, but as Seungri blinked, he began to realize what was happening. Daesung was keeping up the tradition of taking pictures of the maknae sleeping. The younger man rolled his eyes and let out a short laugh as he stretched out his limbs.

"Home already?"

"Yeah. I didn't really want to wake you, but I can't let you sleep in here," the older man replied.

"I really appreciate you taking me out today, hyung."

"Stop saying that. Once was enough."

"Not sure I want to stop now that you've told me to," Seungri's lips quirked up in a smile.

Though it wasn't as wide or bright as it once was, Daesung could still see that it was his dongsaeng. Despite all the changes, it was still Seungri in front of him. Smiling and alive.

"Brat," the older man said, giving the maknae's shoulder a gentle shove.

Seungri pouted, acting hurt in an exaggerated manner. Then before either could say more, they dissolved into laughter, laughing so hard that their cheeks and stomach hurt, even though they couldn't pinpoint what exactly was so funny.

But it felt good to laugh until they were out of breath.

It felt good to laugh until they were crying, faces hurting.

And to Daesung, that was all that mattered for now.


	8. Chapter 8

_ Present _

"Seungri?" Youngbae called, pushing open the door to the younger man's home, a bag of groceries in one arm, "I've been knocking for like five minutes! Are you in the bathroom?"

Setting the bag on a table, Youngbae looked about the living room, feeling uneasy with the silence that greeted him.

"Ri?"

He walked to the bathroom to find the door was open. He scratched his head. The younger man knew that he was coming. _He couldn't have just wandered off_ , he thought as he wandered toward the bedroom. He knocked on the door before he stepped in further, a cold chill ran down his spine at the sight before him.

"Oh, god."

Seungri was curled up on the floor, crying, hands pressed to his head. His face was pale, features contorted it pain. It looked as if he had been trying to get his phone, but it had fallen out of his reach.

Youngbae immediately rushed over and kneeled next to the younger man. He reached out and gently placed his hand on the other man's shoulder, afraid that if he was too rough he would only cause more harm.

The younger man groaned, he opened his eyes, looking dazed, "Hyung?"

That voice, so small, so shaky set Youngbae into motion. He put an arm under Seungri's shoulders, the other under his knees and lifted the younger man into his arms. The maknae immediately curled into him, pressing his face into the older man's chest, hands curling into fists in his jacket.

It _terrified_ Youngbae how light Seungri felt in his hold.

"Hang on," he breathed, carrying Seungri as fast as he could.

His only train of thought was to get to the hospital by any means necessary.

-

_ 2007 _

Seungri was crying, unable to contain the tears that were spilling in an unstoppable stream down his face. Youngbae clutched the younger boy, trying to get him to keep weight off his ankle. The maknae inhaled sharply when they tried to step down a set of stairs.

Unable to handle it any longer, Youngbae pulled Seungri close and picked him up in a bridal carry. He didn't care how embarrassing the position looked, it was the easiest way to get the younger boy off the stage and to the staff so they could get him taken care of.

"So troublesome," he heard Jiyong mutter, but the leader's voice was filled with more concern than anger.

"I'm sorry, hyung," Seungri breathed, teeth gritted in an effort to push the pain away.

"It's okay," Youngbae said.

"Over here! Faster!" Seunghyun and Daesung's voices could be heard down the hall, trying to hurry the staff, to get them to take care of their maknae.

There was a rush of people. Youngbae felt a rush of hands and voices. Then suddenly Seungri was no longer in his arms. The younger boy being carried off, further down the hall and out of sight. Their managers were with them, telling them they had to stay for the conclusion of the show.

"What about Seungri?" Daesung asked, he was glancing down where the younger boy had been taken, looking as if he were ready to take off after everyone else.

"He's being taken to a hospital," one of the staff said, "He'll be fine."

Those words should have been reassuring, but no one wanted to say how worried they were knowing they still had to get back on camera soon.

-

_ Present _

"Hyung!" Youngbae looked up to see Daesung rushing toward him, a look of concern written across his features. The younger man looked frantic as he approached, "Where is he? Is he okay?"

"Calm down," the older man got up from his seat and placed a hand on the other man's shoulder. He didn't want to make a scene in the waiting room, "And I don't know. The doctors haven't said anything yet."

"Why not?" Daesung's voice was rising, looking panic stricken.

"Hey, I mean it, calm down."

"He was fine yesterday!"

"Daesung!"

"I was just with him!"

"Hey!" Youngbae forcefully pulled the younger man into a tight hug, trying to stifle the terror Daesung must have been feeling. He could feel the younger man's pulse racing, his entire body trembling, "Calm down."

Daesung sniffled, taking in a shuddering breath as he, buried his face into Youngbae's shoulder, "He was fine."

The older man could feel the tears soaking into his shirt. He wanted to say more, but the words wouldn't come. He wanted to say that everything would be fine, that Seungri would be discharged soon, but he didn't know how true any of that was. He didn't want to give himself or others false hope.

"He was fine."

-

_ 2013 _

"Are you okay these days?"

Seungri rolled his eyes, "I know you guys love me, but you _need_ to stop worrying so much."

"It's not cause we love you, it's cause you look like a damn ghost," Youngbae retorted with a laugh, shoving the younger man playfully, "Seriously, you're looking more like a panda than ever."

"It's the schedule," the younger man answered, running a hand through his hair, "Between promotions and going to Japan, sleeps been hard to catch."

"Maybe you should make some time for yourself."

"I will. I have time coming up."

"How soon?" Youngbae crossed his arms as he waited for an answer, unable to stop the nurturing instinct in him from coming out.

"Like a week or so," Seungri shrugged.

"It should be more like a day or so."

"Hyung..."

The older man threw up his hands in defeat, "It's not like you ever actually listen anyway."

"I listen plenty!"

"Liar."

"Like I could ever lie to you."

And Youngbae couldn't contain his laugher anymore. He could never stay serious around Seungri. The younger man just had an affect on him he couldn't describe.

"Come on, you said we can go shopping so you can make me your famous kimchi fried rice!" Seungri exclaimed, looking like an excited child as he grabbed his coat.

"Fine, fine," Youngbae said as he grabbed his belongings as well.

As much as he could act annoyed with the maknae, everyone within the group knew that it was out of love. Besides, all brothers found ways to torment one another.

-

_ Present _

"One at a time, five minutes each. No more," the doctor's instructions were incredibly clear when Youngbae had asked about seeing Seungri.

Youngbae pulled the chair by the bedside closer and took hold of Seungri's hand. The younger man stirred, but didn't wake. The doctor had said that the maknae had to be sedated and it was likely that he'd sleep through the night. That was as much information as they got.

Without official family there, the hospital personnel were not willing to risk releasing intimate details of their patients. Youngbae could understand where they were coming from, but he still couldn't keep the anger from rising up in him. Seungri wasn't just their teammate. They were brothers, whether they wanted to be or not.

Their years together brought about so many things that could have broken other families. Yet, because they didn't share blood, they couldn't know more than the basics. He hated it.

Grasping Seungri's hand, Youngbae said a silent prayer and begged. _Please don't let him leave us._ It felt almost pathetic, but he was willing to do anything to keep the harsh reality of what they may face at bay.

_Please let him get better._

_Please don't let him suffer._

He held Seungri's hand tighter, almost hoping that if he held on long enough everything would be alright.


	9. Chapter 9

_ Present _

"Oppa!" Seungri greeted Jiyong when he walked through the door, his voice soft and raspy. The younger man was trying to smile, but it was weak and drawn as if requiring more effort than he could take.

"How're you doing?" the leader asked, approaching the bed with a bag in his hand.

Seungri shrugged, "I feel better."

"Here," Jiyong pulled up a chair and placed his gift on the younger man's lap, "I brought this for you."

The maknae reached into the bag immediately and pulled out the present, which was a soft panda hat with long ears he could wrap around his neck as a scarf for more warmth. It was very similar to many of the ones they had gotten during their time touring and Jiyong thought it might be something fun for Seungri to wear while he was in the hospital.

The younger man immediately pulled off his knitted hat and pulled on the new one, glancing sideways at Jiyong, as if posing for a photo op.

"Cute," the leader giggled, reaching out to straighten the hat.

"Thanks, hyung," Seungri said, taking hold of the older man's hand, "I appreciate it."

Jiyong squeezed the younger man's hand gently, "So, what did they say?"

"Getting straight to the point, huh?"

"Seungri."

"Sorry."

"If you're not ready to tell us..."

"They want me to add an intensive round of radiation therapy to my treatment plan."

"Why?" Jiyong could hear the blood rushing in his ears as his heart pounded against his chest. A part of him already knew the answer to his own question, but he knew he needed to hear the stark truth.

"The tumor isn't shrinking as they thought it would," the maknae's gaze drifted to the window, "They think a course of radiation will give them a better chance at operating."

"Are you going to do it?"

"I'm thinking about it."

"Have you told your family?"

"Hyung..."

Jiyong wanted to say more, ask more, but Seungri's voice, so distant and hollow, made him bite his lip. He wanted to pull the younger man to him, to hug him tight and reassure him that things would be alright, but it would be a lie if he did. So, all he could do was sit there, hoping that his presence was of some comfort to Seungri.

-

Jiyong had to duck into a bathroom on his way out of the hospital, no longer able to keep his emotions pent up. As soon as the door was shut and locked behind him, he slid to the floor and started crying. He couldn't stop himself from sobbing, even knowing that people walking by could hear. He just couldn't care enough to contain himself.

He had had so much hope when everything started months ago. He had so much enthusiasm and faith in modern medicine. They could afford the best healthcare, the best doctors, everything they could ever need in every situation. Yet, the worst that he had feared was happening.

The bright, effervescent Seungri that he knew was slowly disappearing right before his eyes.

The reality of it terrified him.

_He's going to die_.

The pain in his chest that followed, even from just thinking those words, knocked the wind right out of him.

_He's going to die._

Those words repeated themselves in his head and he hated himself for even letting the thought cross his mind.

He hated that he was so pessimistic in the face of everything.

-

_ 2005 _

Jiyong was convinced he would hate working with Daesung and Seungri, especially Seungri. The maknae was like a thorn in his side, always approaching him, asking him questions, trying to play nice like they were friends.

_We're not friends. We will never be friends._

"You're giving him too hard of a time," Youngbae said to him during practice one day, his gaze foxed on the maknae.

"Shut up," Jiyong retorted, not wanting to hear it.

He was going to act how he wanted and no one was going to stop him. He was certain he could keep this up for as long as was needed for YG to see that they don't need to be a 5 person band, even if it meant that he had to ice someone out by force.

That was his resolve.

He was convinced nothing could change his mind.

-

"What else?"

Jiyong could hear Seungri's voice in the practice room. He scowled. He had been looking forward to having some time to himself to practice in peace. He listened for a moment longer and realized that the younger boy was on the phone. _Who said he could make personal phone calls?_ He was about to storm in and make the other boy hang up, but the next words stopped him.

"Eomma, stop worrying."

_He's calling his parents? At this hour?_ Jiyong couldn't help but be curious what he would overhear. Having been avoiding Seungri, he hadn't exactly been asking about the younger boy's home life.

"Of course, they're treating me well."

_Liar._

"No, they're not working me too hard."

_Liar!_

"I promise I'll take care of myself."

The leader stepped back then, deciding to wait until he could have the room. When Seungri exited the practice room, he startled seeing Jiyong standing there. The older boy watched the maknae bow awkwardly before he brushed past the younger boy and slammed the door shut.

He wanted to be angry, upset that this kid, this nobody, dared to even look at him. But something about the younger boy's voice had bothered Jiyong. Seungri had sounded so sad at the end, like he was too tired to keep going with the conversation.

Youngbae's words echoed in his head: _You're giving him too hard of a time._

And though he didn't want to admit it, a part of him felt bad for being so harsh.

-

_ Present _

As Jiyong walked through the hospital exit, he noticed someone familiar approaching. He paused for a moment, unsure if he was seeing correctly.

"Hyung?" he asked, approaching the older man.

Seunghyun was wearing a pair of sunglasses, but his expression showed that he was embarrassed and perhaps had hoped he would be able to go into the hospital without being spotted. Jiyong looked the taller man up and down, unsure of how to feel now that his teammate was standing in front of him.

"You're here," the leader stated.

"I should've been here a long time ago," Seunghyun said, his head hung in shame.

Jiyong put a comforting hand on the older man's shoulder, giving a firm squeeze, "I'm sorry for what I said before."

"You were right though."

"Yeah, but I could've been nicer about it." There was a pause, neither knowing what to say. Jiyong sighed, "He'll be happy to see you."

Seunghyun nodded, looking toward the door. He hesitated, "H-how is he, Ji?"

"A little rough, but you know how he is."

"Always putting his best face forward."

"Go see him. I'll talk to you later."

Seunghyun nodded and they parted ways. Jiyong was relieved that their eldest was coming back around. After all that had happened, Seungri needed all the support he could get. Though the youngest had a multitude of friends and colleagues, Jiyong knew that the band had always been his main constant.

Because they loved Seungri like family and nothing could change that.

-

_ 2006 _

Jiyong could hear the television on in the livingroom, meaning someone else was already using the common area. He frowned, ready to shoo out whoever was taking his spot. He wanted to catch his new show and no one was going to take away the time that he reserved for it.

He stopped in his tracks when he realized it was Seungri, sitting on the couch with snacks and a drink on the coffee table, waiting to watch the next program.

The younger boy stood the moment he noticed the leader was standing there, "Hyung, did you need something?"

Jiyong refused to speak. He glanced at the television screen and noticed that the show he wanted to watch was already starting. Seungri had been waiting for the same show to start.

It surprised him and he wished he didn't have something in common with the younger boy. But instead of fighting it, he decided to sit on the opposite end of the couch and watch as well. He ignored Seungri's shocked expression. The maknae pushed the snacks and soft drinks toward him as an offering, he ignored them as well.

When the episode ended, Jiyong simply stood and walked back to his room, uncertain of how he felt about the what had transpired.

-

Jiyong watched as Seungri spoke with Daesung, the two going over a few of their new moves. The maknae was focused, taking the time to break down each motion for Daesung, who they all knew needed a little extra time to get the steps down.

The leader, not knowing what possessed him to do it, got up from his place on the floor and approached the two younger boys. The two immediately quieted, their eyes wide and fixated on him, as if he was going to scold them simply because he was walking toward them.

Youngbae's voice was in his head again: _You're giving him too hard of a time._

Jiyong looked back and forth between the two younger boys for a moment before fixing his gaze on Seungri. He gave the maknae a nod and asked, "What time is it on today?"

He would never forget the absolute shock and then pure excitement that graced Seungri's features.

-

_ Present _

_It's time to stop crying._ Jiyong was upset with himself, knowing that he could be doing far more than just sitting there, dwelling on the hypothetical. Yet, as much as he wanted to stop moping, to stop feeling the unbearable sadness that weighed heavy on him, he couldn't get the feelings to retreat.

There were so many things he still wanted to do with Seungri. They had promised each other they would do a multitude of things, but now the chance was getting slimmer and slimmer.

Jiyong had promised to say all the things he had been meaning to say to Seungri when the younger man first told them of his diagnosis. But now he was afraid of putting it out there with the state the maknae was in.

_What can I say now?_ he asked himself, trying to bury the dread that kept creeping up.

With the future so uncertain, he wondered how he could possibly be strong.


	10. Chapter 10

_ Present _

"Hey," Seunghyun's voice was a whisper as he took a seat at Seungri's bedside.

The younger man gave a weak smile, turning his body on the bed to get in a more comfortable position. The older man quickly reached out and helped the maknae reposition onto his side.

"You okay?" Seunghyun asked.

"Mmm," Seungri nodded, his tired eyes barely able to focus. His voice was faint, a low rasp, "Exhausted."

"Maybe if you actually rested, you wouldn't be so worn-out," the older man teased.

That made the younger man laugh, pressing his face into his pillow, "Silly, hyung."

Seunghyun reached for Seungri's hand, holding it in his. He tried to not focus on how thin those fingers felt in his palm, how absolutely frail, "I'm sorry I haven't been around much."

"It's okay. I know you're busy."

"It's not that, Seungri."

"Hm?"

"I was afraid."

"Of me?"

"No, never of you."

"I'm too cute, right?"

The older man let out a laugh, "I'm trying to be serious!"

"Everyone's too serious," Seungri said, trying to stifle a yawn at the same time. He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment before looking up at the other man, "Smile."

"I can't not smile when I'm around you," Seunghyun replied, reaching out to place his hand on the younger man's head. For a moment he hesitated, his fingertips brushing against the soft material of the maknae's hat. Gently, he lowered his hand, affectionaly petting the other man as he always did before. He heard Seungri sigh contently.

"Feels nice."

"Take a nap, Ri."

"You'll be bored."

"Don't worry. Just close your eyes," Seunghyun pulled his chair in as close to the bed as he could, leaning his elbows against the mattress, "I'll be here when you wake up."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

-

Seunghyun raised his head when he heard the door open. A wide eyed Daesung was staring at him, looking like he wanted to say something. The older man slowly raised a finger to his lips, glancing at Seungri to be sure the younger man was still sleeping. Gently, he withdrew his hand from the maknae's grasp and quietly stepped out of the room, motioning for Daesung to follow him into the hall.

"You're here," the younger man said, blinking in disbelief.

"Don't act so surprised," Seunghyun retorted with a huff.

But then Daesung was smiling, throwing his arms around the taller man, "I'm so glad you're here."

"Daesung!" the older man exclaimed, bracing himself against the wall, feeling himself nearly thrown off balance by the other man.

"It's just good to see you, hyung," the younger man said, squeezing tight for a moment before letting go.

"It's good to see you too."

"What've you been doing?"

"Keeping busy and reflecting."

"Reflecting on what?"

"How childish I've been acting."

-

_ Two Days Ago _

Seunghyun wasn't one to leave home unless he had a schedule to keep. He finally had time to himself and knew he should be taking the chance to catch up on errands. He knew he should be getting his leaky sink fixed. His luggage still needed to be sorted.

He still needed to see Seungri.

The guilt of not having seen the maknae in weeks caused his chest to tighten. He had been hiding behind his fear, knowing that the next time he saw his friend, his brother, he was going to see someone he may not be able to recognize. But that excuse could only last for so long.

He tried to distract himself, catching up on the latest dramas he'd been meaning to watch. Listening to music to gather inspiration for new songs. He even tried flipping through a few unread books, but all he could do was stare at the lines of text, unable to take them in as his mind kept pulling him away to another place.

He practically jumped in his seat when his phone vibrated loudly on the table next to him.

Youngbae was calling him.

He squeezed his eyes shut and pressed the dismiss button, not wanting to hear another one of his friends lecturing him. Everyone's called him. Everyone but Seungri. A part of him was thankful as he was sure if he heard the younger man's voice he would immediately go running. But a part of him felt the ever tightening coil of guilt squeeze at his chest.

Seungri was being considerate and that filled Seunghyun with shame because he couldn't even force himself to see his ailing friend.

The phone buzzed, signaling a missed call. It buzzed a second time several moments later, telling him that Youngbae left a message.

_Now or later?_ he wondered with a sigh as he picked up his phone and stared at the screen. He didn't know how much time passed before he decided it was time to listen and get the whole ordeal over with.

"Seungri's in the hospital."

-

_ Present _

Seunghyun kept glancing back into the room, carefully watching in case Seungri woke.

"What's the matter?" Daesung asked, looking in through the small window in the door as well.

"Nothing," the older man raked a hand through his hair, not knowing what to do. He suddenly felt awkward, "I said I'd be there when he wakes up..."

"Ah," the younger man nodded, giving the room another glance, "Want some coffee?"

Seunghyun smiled, relieved that he didn't have to keep staying in the hall, "That'd be great."

"Get back in there. I'll be right back."

Seunghyun watched after Daesung's retreating back until the younger man turned a corner and disappeared. It was lucky that his dongsaeng was so understanding. It was more than he could have asked for, especially considering how he had been acting for the past several weeks.

He stepped back into Seungri's room and took is place in the chair by the bed, gently slipping his hand back into the younger man's. The maknae, though still asleep, instinctively grasped the older man's hand and Seunghyun couldn't help but smile. He leaned down closer, placing his free arm on the bed so he could lay his head down comfortably.

From his position, he watched Seungri sleep. The younger man's long eyelashes were a stark contrast against his pale face. Seungri looked so innocent, child-like, when he was sleeping, oblivious to all the world. It made Seunghyun feel guilty all over again for not being there for his teammate.

"I promise, I won't abandon you ever again," Seunghyun whispered, his voice filled with determination, "I promise, I won't run away again. I'll never run from you."

-

  _One Day Ago_

_Go see him!_ Seunghyun's mind was shouting at him, but his body refused to move. It was as if two halves of him were fighting with one another. One badly wanting him to leave his home and go see his ill friend. The other wanted nothing more than to hide and pretend that everything around him wasn't happening.

He could already see Seungri's, ready with a smile like always, just waiting for him to show up. But the image he had in his head wasn't reality. Seungri was no longer the blonde haired, hyper active, energizer bunny of a maknae . The Seungri who waited for him was a different person.

_Don't think that!_ He pressed his hands to his face, trying to suppress the terrible thoughts, the terrible way he was picturing the younger man. But the images invaded, crowding his brain with Seungri wearing clothes far too big, features drawn and sunken. Flashes of the younger man lying unmoving in a hospital bed, machines beeping, blaring so loud he could hardly hear.

"Stop!" he cried out to his empty room.

He was gasping for breath, trembling so badly his knees went weak. His heart was racing so fast he could hear his blood rushing, pounding, in his ears.

As much as those horrifying thoughts of Seungri pushed to the forefront of his mind, another picture was strong in his mind. Their maknae, laughing, smiling, full of life, waiting for him to visit.

Jiyong's words haunted him, " _What does he have to do, Seunghyun? Die?"_

Those questions caused a sharp pain to bloom over his chest, knocking him breathless. _I can't wait that long. I'd never forgive myself._

He mentally slapped himself, the fog of fear slowly clearing from his mind.

_Seungri would never forgive me._

-

_ Present _

Seunghyun was just about to turn to Daesung to say they should probably leave when he heard a quiet groan. He turned to see Seungri stirring. From out of his peripheral vision, he saw Daesung approaching, stepping closer to the foot of the bed.

"Hyung," Seungri gave a lopsided smile, blinking several times, "You're here"

Seunghyun smiled, "I said I would be."

"It's been a while," the maknae said, rubbing his eyes.

"I've been here since you fell asleep, Seungri," Seunghyun said with a laugh, uncertain where the youngest was heading with those words.

Seungri frowned, blinking tiredly a couple more times, "No... You haven't seen me in a while."

Seunghyun's smile fell as he gave a concerned glance over at Daesung, who was already backing out of the room, signaling he was going to get a doctor.

"Ri, what do you remember from this morning?"

"What are you talking about? I've been sleeping this whole time," the maknae's brows were furrowed in puzzlement as he tried to push himself up into a sitting position.

The older man's eyes searched Seungri's features, trying to find that telltale sign that it was all a stupid joke, just one of the younger man's awful pranks. He tried to look for that quirk, that lift of the lips that would slowly change into the maknae's signature grin, but he couldn't find it.

He couldn't find the faults he was looking for.

"You don't remember," Seunghyun breathed, feeling a terrible panic rising in his chest.


	11. Chapter 11

_ Present _

Daesung sat in the hospital chapel, elbows on his knees, face in his hands. He had meant to start praying, to beg for a miracle, but the moment he sat down in the small pew, he was unable to do more than fall quiet as the heavy weight of sadness fell upon him.

Seunghyun and Seungri were silent when he had went back into the room with a doctor in tow. A nurse followed soon after and ushered him and his hyung from the room as they weren't immediate family, despite Seungri's protests. When Daesung turned to Seunghyun, he waited for answers from the older man, but the rapper just stood staring at the door, unmoving with tears in his eyes.

"What happened?" Daesung asked, trying to pull the other man from his trance.

"He couldn't remember," the older man answered, his gaze far away, "It was like I was never in there today."

"What does that mean, hyung?"

Seunghyun's voice could barely be heard, "He's getting worse."

That was when Daesung excused himself and walked toward the chapel, hoping that a place of faith would calm his nerves and allow him to think clearly.

But the place where he went to seek solace, the place he was hoping would ease the hurt in his heart wasn't what he was looking for. Being in such a familiar setting and being unable to find comfort was shocking - it frightened him.

He wasn't so naive to think that prayer would fix everything, but he had hoped that the efforts with modern medical intervention would help. He had hoped that someone, somewhere was listening to him pleading, begging, for some sign that there was a light at the end of the tunnel.

So far, it seemed that no one was listening.

-

_ 2011 _

His entire world felt like it was falling apart.

The accident.

The accusations.

The absolute guilt he felt, crushing his spirit.

The incident was plastered everywhere. The internet was swarming with horrible comments, each of them worse than the last. Scum. Some even said that he should die for his careless actions. Killer, they called him.

Killer.

That word hurt deep and sharp, a knife wound in his chest.

He was quiet in the dorm when he started to pack, unable to say anything to the rest of the band. He didn't know what to say - didn't want to even speak, afraid that the words that would come from his mouth would only cause more harm. He couldn't draw them into his orbit now that something so horrible had happened.

"Hyung?"

Daesung looked up from packing to see Seungri standing in the doorway of his room. He waved his hand dismissively at the younger man, signaling for him to go away.

"No," the maknae's voice was firm.

Daesung sighed and continued to fold his clothes, trying to remember if he even had room for the things he wanted to take. He wondered if he should pack some of the books he had been meaning to read as the internet did not seem to be a safe place for him to wander into for the moment.

"Stop," Seungri strode up to the older man and took the shirt from his hand, tossing it to the floor.

Daesung let out an exasperated sigh, "Seungri."

"Why are you leaving?"

He felt too tired to answer the younger man and instead stooped to pick up the fallen article of clothing, so he could continue to pack. In hindsight, he should have left in the middle of the night, but knowing his teammates, someone was bound to catch sight of him no matter when he decided to leave.

"So, that's it, you're going to let the public drive you away?" the maknae asked.

Daesung looked up then, unable to ignore that sad voice.

"You always told me not to listen. Cause what they say doesn't matter," the younger man continued, tears welling up in his eyes and spilling down his cheeks, "What they say isn't true."

"Seungri, this is serious," Daesung said, his voice sounded so small, even to himself. He felt so exhausted. This wasn't a conversation he wanted to be having, "I need time."

"Hyung, please forgive yourself."

"I don't know how."

-

_ Present _

"Hey."

Daesung looked up at the sound of the familiar voice. Youngbae stood beside him, looking concerned, "Hey."

He moved further into the pew to allow the older man to sit next to him. He didn't know how long he had been in his own mind, with his thoughts. It must have been a while if someone was sent to look for him.

"What're you thinking?" Youngbae asked.

"I'm not really thinking," Daesung answered, his eyes focused on the small alter at the front of the room, "I'm really begging."

"For what?"

"A sign?"

"A miracle?"

"I wouldn't even go that far."

"Daesung..."

"I'm afraid, hyung," the younger man clasped his hands together tight, feeling his tears, hot and burning, welling up in his eyes, "I'm terrified that this is making me lose my faith."

A strong arm was slung over his shoulder, holding him tight, "It's okay to be afraid."

"Are we being tested?"

"Maybe."

"That's cruel."

"I know."

-

_ 2011 _

"You can't lock yourself away forever."

His mother's words were in his head, repeating over and over. It was a soft, kind voice, and it sent a ripple of warmth through him when he imagined it.

Daesung had to admit that he had become a recluse in the weeks following the accident, unable to face the public, much less himself. He moved back in with his parents and started attending church more than ever. Being among the community once more made him feel better, it lifted a little of the heaviness in his heart, but he still found it hard to forgive himself for what had transpired.

Often he would get emails, text messages and missed calls from his friends. Many of them wanted to know how he was getting along, expressing their concern for his wellbeing. Others told him they were praying for him, keeping him in their hearts and that they would ready to accept him once more when he was ready to reappear.

All those assurances, all the people who expressed their care and love - he felt like he didn't deserve it. And so, he didn't respond and kept to his simple routine.

He prayed every night.

Slowly, ever so slowly, he could feel the darkness lifting.

With his family's warmth and constant attention, he started to come back to himself. The church and all those associated with the community made the process of healing feel so much easier, easier than he felt he deserved.

He began to feel as if he could start to enjoy life once more.

Maybe, one day, he'd be ready to venture out again.

-

_ Present _

Daesung lit a candle at the alter, sending one more prayer into the world for Seungri before allowing himself to be led back into the hospital proper by Youngbae. He hoped the candle would burn long and bright enough to be seen. _Please._

He was surprised when he saw Seunghyun still in the maknae's room when they arrived. A smile graced his lips, seeing how the youngest was interacting with the oldest. Though Seungri was no longer as animated as he normally was, his voice and hand gestures were still there.

"My hyungs!" Seungri said, he sounded tired, but his happiness rose above the exhaustion.

Youngbae was already stepping forward, hands reaching to straighten the maknae's hat like a mother hovering over her child, "How're you doing?"

"Fine," the youngest rolled his eyes, but didn't pull away, "The doctors want me to add the radiation therapy as soon as possible. They said it would better their chances of operating."

"That's good, right?" Seunghyun asked.

"I don't know," Seungri sighed, pulling his knees to his chest. He looked so small curled up, "It's too much to process."

"You should think about it," Daesung said, hoping that the younger man would listen, "If the chances are good... it could make a big difference."

"I guess."

A nurse knocked on the door, pulling all of their attention towards her. She quickly gestured at her watch, "Visiting hours are ending."

Seunghyun got up from his seat and hugged Seungri. Youngbae followed suit, embracing their maknae, "See you tomorrow."

Daesung hung back for a moment, just watching. As the other men started to leave, he waved them ahead, taking a moment to approach Seungri.

The youngest gave him an inquisitive look, "Hyung?"

"I just wanted a moment with you," Daesung answered, placing his hand on the younger man's arm and giving a light squeeze. He didn't know what else to say. So many words were swirling in his mind, piling on top of one another, but they refused to escape, "That's all."

"You like me too much, admit it," Seungri let out a soft laugh.

A long moment of silence followed.

"I love you, Seungri."

Seungri's smile was brilliant, but it was full of effort, "I love you too, Daesung hyung."

Then the older man was walking toward the exit as fast as his feet would take him, feeling his chest tighten more and more with every step. When he finally caught up with the others, he could barely keep himself together, needing to cling to his teammates - his brothers - to keep himself from falling to his knees.

_Is anyone listening?_

The smile Seungri had given him was so bright, it hurt.

_Please._

The complete effort that the maknae was putting into that smile didn't escape Daesung's eyes.

_Please._

The reality of it, the stark truth of standing in that hospital room, told him that if nothing was done he would never see that smile again.

_Please listen._

Because that smile, so consistent and constant all these years, was already starting to fade.


	12. Chapter 12

_ Present _

Seungri was quiet.

The silence in the room made Youngbae uneasy. Seeing the younger man gazing listlessly out the window made a lump form in his throat. He wanted to say something, but these days words were hard to find. He would find himself opening his mouth, but before he could speak the thoughts would leave him and there would be nothing left to say.

"Seungri," the older man softly called, wanting to see the other's face.

The maknae turned, there was a moment of shock that crossed his features before he gave a soft smile, "Hyung, how long have you been sitting there?"

_Don't you remember?_ Youngbae wondered. Deciding to keep things light, he reached for the younger man's hand and held it gently in his. Those slim fingers he used to make fun of for being plump and graceless no longer felt familiar in his palm, "Not long. How're you doing?"

"Alright," Seungri answered, as if their initial encounter had never happened at all, turning back to the window, "I started radiation therapy this morning."

"How's that going?"

"I don't know, but it was scary."

"Oh?"

"They had to leave me alone in the room. It just felt weird, knowing something was happening, but not being able to see it."

"Are you feel better now that you're not in there?"

Seungri nodded, turning back to the older man, a strained smile on his lips, "How are you, hyung? What have you been doing?"

Youngbae shrugged, not wanting to reveal that he really hadn't done more than mull around, trying to figure out what he could do now that they were on an extended break. He had been working on and off on a few songs with the help of Jiyong and Teddy for months, but with everything that had been happening he put it all on the back burner. There was no way he could concentrate fully.

There would be time for work when Seungri got better.

At least that's what he kept telling himself.

"Not much," he answered, giving the maknae a weak smile, "Just keeping busy. The usual."

"You need to make sure you rest too."

"I'll rest later."

"You're going to lose your good looks if you keep doing that."

"Maybe I'll become a cute panda."

Seungri laughed at that but the laughter gave way to a cough. The younger man covered his mouth, hunching over at the force of each cough shaking his body. Youngbae immediately reached for the cup of water by the bedside, handing it to his teammate. The maknae righted himself, clearing his throat as he took several small sips, wincing as he swallowed.

When Seungri handed back the cup, Youngbae noticed something on the lip of it that made him pause.

There was a faint red stain.

Getting up from his seat, the older man placed a hand on the maknae's jaw, making the younger man turn to face him.

"Hyung?" Seungri furrowed his brows in uncertainty at the action.

Youngbae's breath caught in his throat.

There was blood clinging to Seungri's lips and staining his teeth a brilliant red.

-

_ 2015 _

Seungri was laughing, raising a glass of wine above his head, doing a little slow dance by himself.

Youngbae's arm was already out, reaching for the younger man, trying to get him to sit down in the recording studio. The others had filtered out of the room earlier, each of them either stating they needed to go home or do something else within the building. Not that he minded being left with Seungri, but an intoxicated Seungri was a whole other story.

"You're drunk!" the older man said, arms now around the maknae's waist, pulling him close.

"And it's great!" Seungri answered with a smirk, tilting his glass to take another sip. His unsteady hand tipped the glass just a hair too far and red wine spilled over the side of his lips, dripping down his white shirt, stains blooming. The blonde pulled out of Youngbae's grasp, giggling, "Oh no!"

"You're a mess," the older man laughed, grabbing several napkins from one of the drawers. He handed them to Seungri, but the younger man was having a hard time dabbing the right places.

"This is hard."

"Stop," Youngbae said, snatching the napkins from the maknae's hands to take over. He rolled his eyes as he patted at the drops of wine left on Seungri's face before swiping the papers over the ruined shirt. There was no saving it, "It's like taking care of a child with you."

"You love me," Seungri slurred, lowering himself onto one of the chairs, gently placing his glass on the table. He cautiously removed his hands when he was certain his drink wouldn't spill and leaned back in his seat, laughing too much and too loud.

"What're you so happy about?"

"What's there not to be happy about, hyung?"

Youngabe glanced at the younger man's face, cheeks flushed from alcohol. Seungri had that adorable lopsided smile plastered on his face, eyes gleaming.

He couldn't agree more as he hugged the younger man from behind, warmth spreading through him.

_What was there not to be happy about?_

-

_ Present _

"Mouth ulcers," Youngbae repeated.

Those were the words the doctor had spoken before leaving the room.

"They're normal," Seungri shrugged, his tongue licking at his lips, face contorting in disgust when he tasted the dried blood there.

"Do they hurt?"

The maknae sighed, lowering his eyes, "Everything hurts, Bae."

The older man felt a deep, searing pain stab at his chest, feeling as if his heart would cease to beat at those words, "Ri..."

"I'm okay, hyung," Seungri spoke softly, his eyes focused on his hands, his slim fingers picking at the sheets, "Don't worry about me."

Then the maknae was smiling, eyes distant and glazed over, tears welling up.

Youngbae felt his breath catch in his throat as he rose from his seat and shifted onto the bed, where he took a seat on the edge of the mattress. He pulled Seungri to him, the younger man's head resting on his shoulder. He could feel the maknae trembling. He wanted to hug Seungri tight, but feeling the other's protruding bones, the frailty that greeted him in the embrace, made him hesitate.

He was afraid Seungri would shatter in his hold.

-

_ 2015 _

Youngbae was dancing to the beat of the music, feeling the bass vibrate up through his shoes, traveling through every limb as he moved fluidly. He threw his hands up, pointing to the stage where their blonde haired DJ stood, head bobbing to the music, spinning records.

Seungri's smile was brilliant. The maknae's eyes shone with happiness and excitement, an expression that made Youngbae smile as well as he climbed up the stairs to the stage, carefully maneuvering himself into the booth, slinging an arm around the younger man's shoulders.

The maknae leaned in close, speaking over the music, "Am I doing alright?"

Instead of answering, the older man threw up his hands and started to dance, familiar moves triggering muscle memory. He heard Seunrgi laugh and it only spurred him on more as he travelled back down the steps, close enough to the fans to reach out and touch their hands.

"Everybody say 'Taeyang!'" Seungri's voice was on the speaker.

Youngbae looked back in time to see the younger man raise up a microphone to the room.

And the crowd shouted in answer, "Taeyang!"

"I can't hear you!"

"Taeyang! Taeyang!"

Youngbae saw his band mates in the balcony area, looking down over the railing, clapping their hands, mouthing his name with everyone else. Their bodies moving with the music as they pointed to him, spurring him on.

The energy in the room fed him and he did a back flip, landing gracefully on his feet to the sound of the fans screaming, calling his name over and over. Their hands reached for him, a surge of heat, life - love - lapping over his sweat dampened skin.

He looked back at Seungri, who was grinning from ear to ear, and clapped his hands, applauding his dongsaeng.

-

_ Present _

"Is this all worth it?" Youngbae asked Jiyong, who was sitting next to him on the couch.

The room was dark, the two of them bathed in the glow of the television screen. A game show was playing, but neither of them were paying attention. They were each off in their own world, just staring at the images moving on the screen, listening to the laughter assaulting them.

"He's fighting," the leader answered, eyes far away, hardly focused, "Isn't _that_ worth it?"

"He sounded so sad."

"Wouldn't you be?"

"It's strange to see him this way."

Jiyong nodded in agreement and they sank back into silence. Their time together was filled with an odd sense of emptiness these days. The words were hard to find as they became tongue tied, knowing all that they wanted to express only came out as worry and misery.

_Is this the way it'll be from now on?_ Youngbae wondered, eyes following the shifting figures on the screen. _Will we always feel this empty?_


End file.
